Esteemed The Hiking News Editors,
I recently encountered a situation in the outdoors that is an absolute disgrace. When I reached the summit of Horse Mountain at 9,952′ I was completely unable to get any kind of cell phone signal.
This is a serious safety concern because I was unable to go Facebook Live from the summit. I suffer from a debilitating condition known as millennial attention disorder (MAD), where a lack of online attention can lead to loss of self-worth, and, in severe cases, obliteration of identity without the affirmation of friends. I found myself in serious need of a comment on how kewl I was, and probably would have called for emergency search and rescue if I had been able to do so.
I don’t want my struggle to be about me, though. So I am asking you to please publish my letter to your millions of worldwide readers to raise awareness of this issue so no one else gets MAD.