Rogue retailer sells Patagonia fleece to non-hiker

TAVISTOCK, NEW JERSEY — The hiking and fashion communities collectively recoiled at the horrific news of the sale of a Patagonia brand fleece hoodie to a non-hiker.  Haiden Dougherty, 25, has never been on a hiking trail in his life and only has staying in the RV he borrowed from his great-aunt at a jam band festival a few years back on his camping resume.  He was able to purchase the lightweight insulating layer thanks to the negligence of retail store “AdventureStuff: Your Adventure Headquarters” and their lack of due diligence at point of sale.

According to the industry investigation, conducted with full cooperation of law enforcement officials and fashion ethicists, Mr. Dougherty selected the fleece because it was “dope” and made him look “rugged.”  Despite the lack of a conversation with store personnel about where he was heading on his adventure, the store looked askance as he swiped his Visa to complete the purchase.

Patagonia reacted swiftly to the travesty.  Spokesperson Georgina McIntyre delineated manufacturer policy as seeking “to preserve the integrity and authenticity of the brand by ensuring that they are made for those looking to get outdoors by those looking to get outdoors.”  She stated that Patagonia was launching its own investigation of AdventureStuff, with possible consequences including the removal of Patagonia Authorized Retailer status.

“We can’t have poseurs in our brand.  Just look at the attention to detail in our products,” Ms. McIntyre says.  “Our fleece hoodies are made to go outside, made of lightweight yet warm material with reinforced stitching and a bit of give in all the places you need to move comfortably in your outdoor endeavors.  We deeply regret that one of our hoodies will be used solely to project a certain image while going on no greater adventure than commuting, and we will use our full might within the retail world to ensure this situation does not happen again.”

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