SLAPOUT, OKLAHOMA — Dainton Lucero has bragged for years about his “super secret gourmet GORP” that he brings on every hike. He guards the bag jealously, talking about how much better it is than everyone else’s. “Mmm, this is the best stuff!” he says repeatedly. “Want to try some? PSYCH!!!!” he taunts as he snatches the bag away.
In dramatic undercover work, The Hiking Times has discovered that his gourmet mix is simply mixing raisins and roasted peanuts–your basic GORP–and a bag of M&Ms. Our crack investigative journalists became suspicious of this purported gourmet recipe when Mr. Lucero’s trash contained packaging for the button-shaped chocolate candies. We located a secret source, Mr. X, who informed us, “Yeah, he buys all three… Sun-Maid raisins, Planters roasted peanuts, and plain M&Ms. Always talking on his cell phone when he checks out too.”
When confronted, Mr. Lucero responded “Man, you have no idea how good this stuff is! You’re so wrong, this is a secret mix!” and walked away.
The Hiking Times will maintain a strict policy of no longer reaching for the bag of “gourmet trail mix” when Mr. Lucero pseudo-offers.